People often wonder what the difference is between mediation and collaborative divorce.
The difference is that in mediation, although the parties usually have attorneys, those attorneys in a family mediation rarely come into the room. Instead the parties discuss their situation with their attorneys outside the room, and work with a neutral facilitator – the mediator in order to identify, discuss, and hopefully ultimately resolve the issues that they face.
In a collaborative divorce there is no neutral facilitator. Instead, the attorneys hold that mediative role and together try to help the parties identify what’s important to them, identify the issues that they face , and work through the issues in order to resolve the situation that they are in in ultimately working towards a divorce.
In the collaborative model, it’s very common to work with non-lawyyer professionals, met health professionals who work as child specialists or divorce coaches to help with the communication and the dynamic issues that come up between people when they’re angry, and they fight, and all that sort of stuff. And also with financial specialists who can help us focus on the finances of the people and help us identify options. It’s less common to work with the non-lawyer professionals in the mediation setting but it is also a possibility.
This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching Your Tangos Quickies. Connect with me at yourtango.com/expert/katherine_miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
People often wonder what the difference is between mediation and collaborative divorce.
The difference is that in mediation, although the parties usually have attorneys, those attorneys in a family mediation rarely come into the room. Instead the parties discuss their situation with their attorneys outside the room, and work with a neutral facilitator – the mediator in order to identify, discuss, and hopefully ultimately resolve the issues that they face.
In a collaborative divorce there is no neutral facilitator. Instead, the attorneys hold that mediative role and together try to help the parties identify what’s important to them, identify the issues that they face , and work through the issues in order to resolve the situation that they are in in ultimately working towards a divorce.
In the collaborative model, it’s very common to work with non-lawyyer professionals, met health professionals who work as child specialists or divorce coaches to help with the communication and the dynamic issues that come up between people when they’re angry, and they fight, and all that sort of stuff. And also with financial specialists who can help us focus on the finances of the people and help us identify options. It’s less common to work with the non-lawyer professionals in the mediation setting but it is also a possibility.
This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching Your Tangos Quickies. Connect with me at yourtango.com/expert/katherine_miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
That’s an excellent question and I think something that many people in this age where so many people get divorce really aspire to. It’s really interesting, a few years ago, I had a case in which I represented the husband, and the wife of the couple said in conversation, “You know, I really thought that my husband and I would be known for how we were married, but it turns out, we’re going to be known for how we were divorced.” What she meant was that they were going to be able to work together in their divorce to raise their young child together in a way in which they gave each other a lot of flexibility, a lot of opportunities, and they really were able to raise this child together and enjoy her as if they were fully engaged as co-parents even though they weren’t married and both moved on to additional relationships in the future. That’s what she meant by a good divorce.
I think it differs from people to people. But I think that’s basically the underlying premise, that we will continue to maintain and honor the relationship that we’ve had, honor the children, enjoy them together, be able to go to weddings and births, dance together at our daughter’s wedding, whatever it is that we’ll be able to continue to enjoy these things together, to continue to be there for each other as parents and maybe even as friends going forward, but to transition out of the marital relationship into something completely different. This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching YourTangos Quickies. Connect with me at yourtango.com/experts/katherine_Miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
That’s an excellent question and I think something that many people in this age where so many people get divorce really aspire to. It’s really interesting, a few years ago, I had a case in which I represented the husband, and the wife of the couple said in conversation, “You know, I really thought that my husband and I would be known for how we were married, but it turns out, we’re going to be known for how we were divorced.” What she meant was that they were going to be able to work together in their divorce to raise their young child together in a way in which they gave each other a lot of flexibility, a lot of opportunities, and they really were able to raise this child together and enjoy her as if they were fully engaged as co-parents even though they weren’t married and both moved on to additional relationships in the future. That’s what she meant by a good divorce.
I think it differs from people to people. But I think that’s basically the underlying premise, that we will continue to maintain and honor the relationship that we’ve had, honor the children, enjoy them together, be able to go to weddings and births, dance together at our daughter’s wedding, whatever it is that we’ll be able to continue to enjoy these things together, to continue to be there for each other as parents and maybe even as friends going forward, but to transition out of the marital relationship into something completely different. This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching YourTangos Quickies. Connect with me at yourtango.com/experts/katherine_Miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
I think the answer is take the high road every time. It can be really challenging when you go through a divorce not to say something bad about the kids. But if you hear from the kids that their father said,”Your mother is a whore,” or your ex said that “Your father is an asshole,” what should you do about that? I think the thing to do is to tell the kids that you’re going through a really difficult time with your father, their mother, and not to say, “Oh, yeah? Well, she’s a bitch,” or “Oh, yeah?” and to respond in kind. That’s the worst thing you can do. It’s so alienating for your children to feel stuck in the middle between two battling parents, battling overhead.
The best thing to do is to explain where that behavior comes from as best as you can possibly can. This can be really hard to do at times, but to be able to say, “You know, your dad and I disagree really strongly about that. We’re working on it. But one thing we really agree on is that we both really love you and we both want you to be okay. But one thing that we really agree on is that we both wanted to be so involved in your lives, it’s hard to know how to share your precious time,” or something like that so that the children feel supported and loved by both parties and you don’t engage them as a go-between in any way shape or form, even if you don’t mean it, as a go-between between the two of you. They need to feel supported and loved and you need to resist saying bad things in response to negative statements you hear about your ex.
This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching YourTangos Quickies. Connect with me yourtango.com/experts/katherine_Miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
I think the answer is take the high road every time. It can be really challenging when you go through a divorce not to say something bad about the kids. But if you hear from the kids that their father said,”Your mother is a whore,” or your ex said that “Your father is an asshole,” what should you do about that? I think the thing to do is to tell the kids that you’re going through a really difficult time with your father, their mother, and not to say, “Oh, yeah? Well, she’s a bitch,” or “Oh, yeah?” and to respond in kind. That’s the worst thing you can do. It’s so alienating for your children to feel stuck in the middle between two battling parents, battling overhead.
The best thing to do is to explain where that behavior comes from as best as you can possibly can. This can be really hard to do at times, but to be able to say, “You know, your dad and I disagree really strongly about that. We’re working on it. But one thing we really agree on is that we both really love you and we both want you to be okay. But one thing that we really agree on is that we both wanted to be so involved in your lives, it’s hard to know how to share your precious time,” or something like that so that the children feel supported and loved by both parties and you don’t engage them as a go-between in any way shape or form, even if you don’t mean it, as a go-between between the two of you. They need to feel supported and loved and you need to resist saying bad things in response to negative statements you hear about your ex.
This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching YourTangos Quickies. Connect with me yourtango.com/experts/katherine_Miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
Imagine a situation where you’re somewhere with your kids. Your phone rings and it’s your husband’s girlfriend or your wife’s boyfriend’s wife and you learn that your spouse, who you previously thought was a wonderful spouse, you previously thought you had an idealic fairy book marriage. Maybe you had some rough spots but they were workable.
You now learn that that relationship has been a lie. You learn that your spouse has had a series of extramarital affairs from the very beginning and your marriage is over. Now your children are in pain. They’re not only pain but they’re angry. They’re angry at you and they’re angry at your husband or wife, and you don’t want them to be angry at you for something that wasn’t your fault and you want them to know that the marriage is over because of the fault of the other person. Imagine what that does for them though.
It is important to tell your children the truth about your marriage and the truth about your divorce. It’s important for them to hear an authentic story for you. But remember that your children are half you and they’re half your husband or wife. They are made up of good and bad parts of both of you, and to the extent they hear you wailing at, or angry at, or denegrate pieces of their other parent, they’re going to feel bad about themselves. They’re going to wonder about their own selves – their own goodness – and you want your children to feel good about themselves, especially when they’re going through a divorce.
So to the extent you can fashion a story that feels authentic enough for you to tell them, authentic enough to feel that it’s really your story but falls short of being overly critical and damaging the relationship that they have with both of their parents so that both of their parents can go forward supporting the and being wonderful parents for them, that’s probably the place of truth you want to be.
This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching Your Tangos Quickies. Connect with me at yourtango.com/expert/katherine_miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
Imagine a situation where you’re somewhere with your kids. Your phone rings and it’s your husband’s girlfriend or your wife’s boyfriend’s wife and you learn that your spouse, who you previously thought was a wonderful spouse, you previously thought you had an idealic fairy book marriage. Maybe you had some rough spots but they were workable.
You now learn that that relationship has been a lie. You learn that your spouse has had a series of extramarital affairs from the very beginning and your marriage is over. Now your children are in pain. They’re not only pain but they’re angry. They’re angry at you and they’re angry at your husband or wife, and you don’t want them to be angry at you for something that wasn’t your fault and you want them to know that the marriage is over because of the fault of the other person. Imagine what that does for them though.
It is important to tell your children the truth about your marriage and the truth about your divorce. It’s important for them to hear an authentic story for you. But remember that your children are half you and they’re half your husband or wife. They are made up of good and bad parts of both of you, and to the extent they hear you wailing at, or angry at, or denegrate pieces of their other parent, they’re going to feel bad about themselves. They’re going to wonder about their own selves – their own goodness – and you want your children to feel good about themselves, especially when they’re going through a divorce.
So to the extent you can fashion a story that feels authentic enough for you to tell them, authentic enough to feel that it’s really your story but falls short of being overly critical and damaging the relationship that they have with both of their parents so that both of their parents can go forward supporting the and being wonderful parents for them, that’s probably the place of truth you want to be.
This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching Your Tangos Quickies. Connect with me at yourtango.com/expert/katherine_miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
I’m often asked, “What is a collaborative divorce?” A collaborative divorce is a voluntary out-of-court process in which the parties have the support of their own attorneys as well as the opportunity to work with mental health professional and financial professionals so that we can address all the myriad of issues that arise in untangling the marital relationship.
This gives us the opportunity to focus 100% on out-of-court resolution rather than a litigated resolution. 100% the parties and the professionals are dedicated to the idea of finding a resolution without going to court or even threatening to go to court. This gives us the chance to focus 100% on what is important to the parties, what is important to their families, their children, their neighborhoods, their religious communities. Whatever it is that’s important to them, those are the points of reference for settlement, rather than the points of reference that are important to a stranger in a black robe.
This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching YourTango’s Quickies. Connect with me at yourtango.com/experts/katherine_miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
I’m often asked, “What is a collaborative divorce?” A collaborative divorce is a voluntary out-of-court process in which the parties have the support of their own attorneys as well as the opportunity to work with mental health professional and financial professionals so that we can address all the myriad of issues that arise in untangling the marital relationship.
This gives us the opportunity to focus 100% on out-of-court resolution rather than a litigated resolution. 100% the parties and the professionals are dedicated to the idea of finding a resolution without going to court or even threatening to go to court. This gives us the chance to focus 100% on what is important to the parties, what is important to their families, their children, their neighborhoods, their religious communities. Whatever it is that’s important to them, those are the points of reference for settlement, rather than the points of reference that are important to a stranger in a black robe.
This is Katherine Miller. Thanks for watching YourTango’s Quickies. Connect with me at yourtango.com/experts/katherine_miller. I’d like to help you negotiate a good divorce. Visit me online at kem-law.com.
By: Katherine Miller
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